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when everything is right, but doesn't fit

Looking back at the last blog post, I was terribly depressed. As I had expected, I didn't get into any medical college and instead found a tolerable Bsc Hons course which I joined. I wasn't terribly happy back then, and certainly not satisfied with my life.

July 2015
I entered college as a mess. I certainly might have seemed calm and confident outside, but inside, I was a self doubting, under-confident mess. It didn't help that though my course was one of the best, the college wasn't very much so. An off campus college, very far away from home- nobody I knew had even heard of Acharya Narendra Dev College. For a long time I couldn't even find people I really, really liked over there; which was very upsetting since I was losing touch with my school friends.

Then ECPDT happened. It was a "personality development through theatre" course I joined just for the sake of doing something other than academics in college. I didn't know then that I would meet people there who would turn out to be my very close friends, I didn't know then that I would meet Ajay Sir....a teacher like no other. He went on and changed my whole life. I know it sounds dramatic and unbelievable- but trust me when I say that I am a changed person because of him. I had a very basic flaw- I didn't believe in myself. I won't say I have totally overcome but I have certainly come a long way- and the journey started with ECPDT.

During ECPDT, two things happened. One, I got screened for my college editorial board; hence joining something I loved beyond everything. And two, I auditioned for the Annual Theatre Production of my college. They were the first theatre auditions I gave. To be honest, I was so exhilarated with the fact I had summoned up enough courage to audition that it didn't really matter whether I got it or not. But I did get it....and it did wondrous things for my confidence. ATP was another lifetime experience.

I wouldn't lie, after ECPDT and ATP ended, my life seemed to deflate a bit. I was sad once again....things I'd stored away in my mind were threatening to come back. Sometimes they did, sometimes I blocked them.

Now I'd found confidence, I'd found that I had abilities I never knew I had, I'd found good friends in college, I'd found people who loved and respected me. But was I happy? No. I really don't know why...it was a lingering thought in my mind "You aren't happy".

Recently, I stood for the very first elections in my life, and won. I am now the Joint Secretary of Dhwani. The girl who didn't have even confidence to audition to become a part of this society is today a part of the council.I successfully landed a summer research fellowship in my college, which is a big deal. So, both co-curricular and academic achievements ought to make me happy right?

But it doesn't. Everything is in the right place. everything is as it should be. But it doesn't click, you know? I don't know what I'm searching for, I just know I need something that fits well within me....and makes me happy and satisfied.


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