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I just wanted to say, "It's a beautiful day to save lives" and smile to the world every once in a while.

Today, while I sit and write this, I feel completely changed. I am not the person I was a few months ago. Now I've seen failure. Now I know what it is like in the real world, in the world outside my school. Now I have an uncertain future.

No, I've not had the dream of becoming a doctor since forever. On the contrary, the people who've known me since childhood will tell you how I've always hated this profession. To be honest, I still do. I hate going to a doctor. I have a bias against them. A bias which has formed over the years, hearing various stories of drudgery and cheating. Today I honestly can't remember why I decided to become a doctor. Maybe it was because my nearly perfect world was shaken when a friend of mine was diagnosed with cancer and my Nanaji died due to multiple diseases. Maybe it was because I wanted to prove to the world, to myself, that I can do it. That I can study the toughest course and emerge victorious. Maybe it was because I wanted to help people, save lives and basically, make a difference. Maybe I just wanted to say, "It's a beautiful day to save lives" and smile to the world every once in a while. Maybe I simply wanted my parents to proudly say, "Our daughter is a doctor". Maybe I just want to see/hear 'Dr. Shrutika Jha'.

But I failed. I failed miserably. I don't know why. I thought I was doing enough, you know? Much more than somebody would expect me to. But what I forgot was that I had much much more expectations from myself than what people had from me. My parents believe I did all I could. Maybe I did. But I hope I didn't. Because if I did my best and still didn't succeed, then something is terribly wrong with me. No, I would like to believe that I did not do my best, I would like to believe that I can do better. But it's hard. Keeping up this belief is very, very hard for me. Especially now.

Yes there are still quite a few exams to give. But I failed the most important ones. And frankly, what really bothers me is not the loss of opportunity to become a doctor. What bothers me is that this incident(s) has totally ruined my self confidence. I'm no longer sure of anything I do. I no longer trust myself. I no longer believe in myself. Future accomplishments aside, I've even begun doubting my past. After giving the Board exams I was pretty much satisfied by my performance (well, except Physics and Maths ofc). But now, now I doubt it. Did I really do well or did I just think that I did? Surely I couldn't have. Whatever result comes, a part of me is ruined forever. I don't think I will ever be able to say that I did well after I give an exam, even if I do. 

No, I don't want to hear that everything happens for a reason. I don't want to hear that failure is important in life. However true these statements might be, to me all these are excuses and pretenses to make me feel better. I don't want to be told that I should not be sad. How can I not be sad? How can I forget my dream? How can I forget that I failed in the very first thing I set out to achieve? At this moment, I struggle to find a happy thought. Alright, I know many people will say that I am lucky I've family and friends who love me. I know that. But that won't help me become a doctor, will it? You say that's not important enough? Well it is for me. It is extremely important to me. Not being a doctor, no. Achieving this. I can't handle failure, I just can't. I know I've an ego problem, but I can't help it. Maybe the world will forget in a month or two that I failed. But I won't. I know I won't. And I can't live like that. I just can't.

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